I haven't been a veggie for some years now, but due to blood tests showing truly astronomical lipid values, I was temporarily a vegan. It's easy to be a veggie in the US, and not just on the coasts. It's easy in the UK, too. It's a different story here in Germany. Being a vegan here -- where lard is a common bread spread and fatback a "healthy" dinner -- is nigh on impossible. Few of the substitutes and specialty products are available and most of those which can be found are both high in fat content and generally inedible: they taste like my dirty socks smell and have the consistency of lumpy plaster.

One item I remember from my vegan days in the US is Fantastic Foods' "Tofu Scrambler". The stuff tastes nothing like scrambled eggs but it's a nice enough dish which can be whipped up in a couple of minutes, and it fits within the narrow confines of my diet. Finding the stuff here in Europe is another matter, and I'm not planning on any trip to the US to bring back a suitcase full. I went to their site and was presented a form rather than an E-Mail address:

Hi,

Do you have any importers here in Germany or elsewhere in Europe? If not do you sell and ship products such as Tofu Scrambler in bulk packaging (for personal use, not for resale)?

Regards,

REC

Simple enough. Three days later I got a response:

Dear REC:

Thank you for taking the time to contact Fantastic World Foods. Sorry to tell you we do not ship out the United States.

Thanks again for your inquiry. We hope that you will continue to enjoy Fantastic World Foods products!

You hope I'll continue to enjoy your fucking products when I can't get them to begin with? Pay attention to your fucking boilerplate, you fuckwits!